435: Letting Go

My ah ma has gone.

434: My dream

I dreamt of my ah ma last night. After we received the news from Malaysia, my ma called my 1st aunt to ask her if she wants to go back and see ah ma for the last time, because she hasn't been back there for quite some time. Actually it's been years. And back when ah ma was healthy and fit enough to travel, at times she would come over to Singapore to visit us, and she would go and see my 1st aunt too. Actually, come to think of it, I have never seen my 1st aunt visit my ah ma in Malaysia before. I don't know the reason why but she just refuses to leave the country. She rarely even leaves her house.

The weirdest part of the dream was that my ah ma was healthy in it, ike 2 or 3 years ago. I really want her to be alright. I want her to be healthy. But I'm not really that close to her. Partly because I live in Singapore, and partly because I'm just one out of her 38 grandchildren. Come to think of it, when you are losing someone, you regret having not spend more time with that person. I just have to tell myself that this is part of life. People are born, people will die.

This is a photo of my ah ma, it was taken last year.

433: Tattoo blues

We went to Changi Airport T3 yesterday. Before that we went to Expo to see if there were any interesting things to see. But sadly there was only a furniture fair and a John Little sale. Then walked around a bit and went to T3. We had Popeye's chicken, as usual. Then walked around and sat at the place where we can view the planes. He leaned on my shoulder and napped for a bit, until my shoulder ached and I shrugged him off. 

Then we walked around and went to Harris bookstore. I saw this book about tattoos. I was super engrossed in it. It included the history of tattoos and all. And even had many many tattoo designs and the meaning behind each classification of each tattoo design. You know the genre of music I listen to, so easily I'm influenced by my idols. They have tattoos all over their bodies. It's like their bodies are the canvas for artists, in this case tattoo artists. 

So the bf came over and saw what I was reading, I told him I wanted this book. He wasn't too happy about it. Then I told him if I got this book, I might want a tattoo, and after the first one I will want more. He walked away. I put the book back. Then he sulked the rest of the way while sending me home. 

After that, on the phone I told him I will not have a tattoo, because I know he would be furious if I did. He told me it's my skin and my body. I can do whatever I like with it. But after a while, he told me that he will never allow me to get a tattoo, because it's ugly and dirty. Even if I got a small one, I will get a bigger one the next time.

I wanted to get a tattoo of Avenged Sevenfold's Deathbat, which looks like this:

But I realized that it's too rough. Then I decided I'm happy with just a small one. Maybe a 力量 on my wrist.

But that's the end of the story. I will never have a tattoo.

432: Update on this week

Monday

Family came back from Malaysia. Seems like there's nothing very very serious with my ah ma, but still, her time is nearing, but it may take a while. My sister found out that the BF stayed over, because I had forgotten to keep his towel, toothbrush, and shaver. And somehow my ma found out too. I think they were suspicious in the first place. They confronted me, I admitted, they didn't say anything after that. Teehee.

Tuesday

Went for a 4hr grooming course at work. The man taught us how to walk, to sit down, to iron our uniform properly blah blah. As if we didn't know all that already. The lady taught us how to apply make-up, match the colours of our make-up to our uniform, style our hair blah blah. This was kind of useful. They even had us take before-and-after photos, of us with and without make-up. They said they had to submit to HR. WTH. We got a box of make-up brushes and eye-shadow colours for free.

Wednesday

Common off day with the BF. It was also the first day of the launch for The Peak here at Toa Payoh, the DBSS flat that they have started to build now. We took our queue number and proceeded to wait for about an hour before our numbers were called and we went in. We met another one of the BF's army mates. I was so shy. His friends are all so adult-y. But I'm still so very young adult-y. You know what I mean.

Oh my gosh. I loved the 5-room high-ceiling living room, but it costs a frigging $720,000. The 4-room was okay, there wasn't a show flat for the 3-room. But the 4-room costs about $480,000. If I could I would buy the 4-room, but we can't afford that now. Sigh. What a waste, if it was under HDB and a lot cheaper, I'm sure we would have applied for a unit without a moment's hesitation. It's only a 5-mins walk from the MRT station, and right across the street from my parents' place. Haiz. If only.

Thursday

Work. Boring work.

Today

Went to Marina Square with Huling after work. Reached there at about 8.30pm, we had no time for dinner so I grabbed 2 breads from BreadTalk to munch while walking, while Huiling munched on her Subway cookies. We went to Marina Square because Huiling wanted to buy her jeans. I wanted to see if there were anything worth buying. But I saw nothing I liked, as usual. I want to shop! But can't seem to find anything I like. But the things I like are so frigging expensive, like that darned DBSS flat. SIGH.

431: Update

My family left for Malaysia on Saturday afternoon. My younger sister left me an sms and off they went. They've gone to see ah ma. One of my cousins would be driving down to Singapore so they can catch a free ride back.

I called them just now. My cousin and my aunt both answered the phone just after one ring. I guess they're anxious for any phone calls. I asked my ma how was ah ma doing. She said she's alright. She's eating porridge and drinking milk, so her stomach is not entirely empty. I asked if she can talk, my ma said yes, once in a while. She's got dementia, which makes her forget people. But ah ma remembers my ma, if she doesn't, my ma will be devastated. Ah ma doesn't recognize my pa, but it's not surprising, because it's been some time since my pa visited her. It's only right that he goes over now. I'm glad the situation isn't as bad as we thought. My ah ma even said to my family that there's no need to go see her, everything's fine.

The BF came over to stay with me last night, else I'll be alone at home, and who knows what kind of inner demons would be unleashed from the back of my head. I'll probably be thinking up loads of horrible things. But he's gone to work now, and I'll be alone tonight.

I'll just occupy myself with One Piece until I fall asleep. And hope they'll be back when I return from work tomorrow.

430: Looming death

Our family received bad news from Malaysia yesterday. Our grandmother's time is drawing near. My mother is able to take the news calmly, because she has already mentally prepared herself months ago. I hadn't expect it to be so soon. I am weeping as I write this post, because death in the family is my biggest weakness, it saddens and terrifies me more than anything.

Whatever conflicts or unhappiness at work or among friends, any unpleasantness going on right now is at the back of my mind. The only thing that is occupying my mind is my grandmother, I want to go back and see her for the last time, before it is too late.

I envy those who have their family close to them in Singapore. It's at times like this when all you want to do is to run over to see them, be with them, for the last few precious moments. But they are so far away.

I came home last night and saw my ma watching TV, but she rubbed her swollen and red eyes when she saw me, at once I knew that my mother is not as strong as I thought. I myself cannot imagine my own mother dying. I can feel the pain that my mother is feeling.

I cannot stand the solemn and dark air in the house.

429: Update

Work has been hectic for quite a while, but finally our financial year stock take is done. Time to rest. Am taking 2 days of annual leave this month, going to have some romantic-ness with the BF. It's been quite a while.

Tomorrow's Ubin plan has been canceled.

I realize that I'm tired. Of work, of friends, of trying to please people.

Give me a deserted island. I want to be alone for a little while.