i guess being a teenager is hard.
nobody said it was easy.
experiencing many different emotions at once.
blowing your top.
feeling angry all the time.
easily agitated.
easily irritated.
not feeling so happy anymore.
i wonder if my friends are feeling the same way.
cos i feel that my temper's getting way out of hand.
when i get angry,
i want to hit people.
destroy things.
to inflict pain on something else rather than bottling it all up inside.



i'd feel like this.

you'd say it's good not to keep everything inside,
but it gets worse all the time.
my temper gets worse.
i can't take crap from anyone.
it always gets to me.
my adult friends all say it's normal.
just ignore them.
but i can't.


i wonder if i'll grow up to be a murderer.
i know you must be thinking,
"stop thinking all these bad thoughts, abbie!"
but then..
i dunno what i think most of the time.
mostly my mind's just blank.
i think if this emotional problem doesn't improve,
i REALLY WILL KILL SOMEONE.
notice that i've been hating people a lot.
maybe if i'm really not normal,
the emoions thing doesn't improve,
i'll go to the extend of hating someone until i kill him/her.
is that scary?
yeah i think so.
then i get scared of thinking why the hell i'm thinking these kind of things.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT NORMAL.
come on, everyone around me are happy.
am i the only miserable one around?

is this depression?
no, i know depression is much worse.
i haven't considered commiting suicide.

okay lah.
it's just me and my mood swings.

i know you always see abbie smiling.
but that's just a facade behind my real self.
i'm just this angry monster inside.

i want to be a kid again.
being a kid was easy.
play all the time.
instead of war all the time.
war against myself.
when i'm angry,
occassioanlly, i'd feel stuff being thrown around in my head.
as if my emotions aren't sure of what to do with each other.
they fight.

sometimes i'm angry.
most of the time.
but when i'm happy, i'm VERY happy.
it just doesn't seem right.
how can anyone be furious one minute and be cheerful the next?!
is there something wrong with my hormones?
i need more happy cells!

i always feel rebellious.
nobody can tell me what to do.
even my friends.
i guess i just don't like the feeling of people instructing me.
something like that.
then i won't do it.

then there's something else that's wrong with me.
at this age.
girls usually are obsessed over guys.
but i'm not.
HUH?!
it's not like i like girls lah.
but this is just not normal!
ahh i'm not gonna post what i feel about my sexuality online

and i hate.
to see people blog about how their day has passed.
a report of what they had done that day.
nobody wants to read that!

i'm just thinking.
since singapore is so little.
maybe i'd get the chance to bump into Xie Shaoguang on the streets.
and i'd ask him to sign on my shirt.
okay lah.
i'm only obsessed about this guy

the Hungry Ghost Festival ends this Saturday.
but i haven't met my Grandpa yet.
please don't freak out over what i've said.
i just want to meet him.
dead or alive.
i'm sure he was a great man.
cos he made 14 kids.
ahurhurhurhur!!

stop acting like you're a rich kid, spoilt and pampered brat, alright?
now you're the other one who's strutting around.
i wonder if anyone's noticed that.
WELL I DID.
and it's making me sick.
and you're all materialistic and fussy all the time.
it plainly IRRITATES ME!
UURGH!

was discussing with py and fiona about our future careers and what we'd do.
py wants to some design thing.
fiona i'm not really sure.
i knew that i wanted to do stuff that don't require accademic studies to help us.
i wanted to open a restaurant, but where do i get the money.
i want to set up a bakery store, but i need the money too.
so i decided that i want to write.
i'll choose the path of journalism maybe.
write for a local magazine.
interview popstars and actor actresses.
preferably Lime haha.
the writers are cool.
or maybe i'll write a book.
and it may became a national bestseller,
or better yet, international bestseller.
you know people who write books earn more with one book than popstars.
well of cos it depends on how long they stay in the business lah.
hmm write books.
earn a quick buck here and there.
or if i can get to a JC
maybe after JC i'll study the history of religion.
yeah.

okay.
i'm serious abbie.
prelims are starting next week.
so no more slacking for you!

alright.
just a note to wake me up.

listening to Simple Plan's Untitled now.
what's up with the title.
haha but it's a beautiful song.
i wonder what it'll sound like if MCR or Thursday does a song like that.
a ballad or something.
but Simple Plan has changed a lot since their first album.
i used to think their songs are too teenage-y.
like for 12-13 year olds.
and that singer's voice is whiny.
but he sounds better now.

woo now listening to GC's first album, the young and the hopeless.
i think their first CD was better.
more pop.
they sound good doing pop.
yoooou, don't wanna be just like you
what i'm saying is this is the anthem
throw all your hands up
yoooou, don't wanna be YOU!

haha that was MY anthem.

don't think rock will ever die.
i dread to think that techno will be the hottest thing in town one day.
no offence Yi Fong!
techno songs make no sense, really.
mwahaha.

urgh.
don't feel like heading out today.
but have to go for that interview thing.
i wonder what mag is it from.
but since the meeting place is Orchard.
maybe i'll beg my mom for some money to buy that shirt.

reached home at about 2 plus.
was thinking whether to go for Ming Sheng's party or not.
decided not to cos been partying too much.
so might as well rot at home, along with my books.

i was reading one hilarious guy's blog just now.
his name is rockson and pls go check out his blog.
www.rockson.blogspot.com
he may not be as famous as Xiaxue, but damn this guy is funny.
haha with his Hokkien stuff and 'Gahmen' - government- things.

yeah and spent the afternoon doing some stuff.
yesterday bought September's issue of Lime.
there was a clear folder along with it.
man i love the people at Lime.
i've been reading that mag for years, considering i'm only 16.
anyways.
the folder's cover was the army thing.
so i spent the afternoon cutting and taping pictures to the folder
and wrapped it up with clear plastic.
and stared at it for half an hour.
for a while i thought the folder was cooler than me.
okay lah, it's really nice what.
haha.

doope.
audrey asked her friend to postpone the interview to tomorrow.
cos peiying had to rush.
haha.
must make my hair nice nice cos got photoshoot.
if i can i'll pose my signature pose.
wah.
LOL.

ohh yah.
don like the MCR skin no more.
dunno why also.
shit, i've been speaking Singlish alot.
oh yeah!
i saw this shirt at Far East yesterday with Singlish words.
something lah.
something something lah.
all that shit.
quite nice so i'm gonna buy it.
to think that just a few months back i was on the IRC 'promoting good English'.
hoho.

anyways.
i want a plain skin.
so there it is.
not too complicated or what.
my life's complicated enough.

next week prelims start.
*groans*
i can't even bear to talk about it so i'll not talk about it.

to whoever you are.
you know who you are.
you smsed me last night when a few months ago i smsed you and told you that i didn't wanna talk to you no more.
i'm sorry for saying that.
cos i didn't mean it.
these few months never talk to you my free sms didn't exceed.
my fingers weren't working hard enough.
realised that there's no fun in life without free smses exceeding.

okay that was 100% BULLSHIT.
i dunno what i'm talking.
i know you won't read my blog or whatever but thanks for the message.
it warmed my cold little heart a bit.

I WANT TO MEET ROBBIE WILLIAMS.
if he ever comes to Singapore again.
i will see his concert.
if i have no money for the tickets.
i will rob my mom, rob my dad, rob my teachers, rob my friends, rob the bank, rob anything i can rob to see ROB.
mwahaha.

there's this BMW wallpaper on my desktop.
i figured.
transportation is very important to me.
so in the future.
if i'm rich, i'll get meself a BMW.
or if i'm not, i'll get a mini cooper.
it's either big or small.
if i have a lotta children (which i most probably won't),
i'll get a space wagon.

ugh i dunno what i sat on yesterday but my arse hurt.

was at ben's bbq party just now.
hurhur quite fun.
before that took neoprint and bought kam seng and ben's present.
then am now thonning at vivien's house.

audrey asked to be interviewed by her friend, about some Good Charlotte stuff for a magazine.
urm haha.
joel rocks.
so does billy.
i'm gonna be on magazine!

mwaha. :)