i guess being a teenager is hard.
nobody said it was easy.
experiencing many different emotions at once.
blowing your top.
feeling angry all the time.
easily agitated.
easily irritated.
not feeling so happy anymore.
i wonder if my friends are feeling the same way.
cos i feel that my temper's getting way out of hand.
when i get angry,
i want to hit people.
destroy things.
to inflict pain on something else rather than bottling it all up inside.



i'd feel like this.

you'd say it's good not to keep everything inside,
but it gets worse all the time.
my temper gets worse.
i can't take crap from anyone.
it always gets to me.
my adult friends all say it's normal.
just ignore them.
but i can't.


i wonder if i'll grow up to be a murderer.
i know you must be thinking,
"stop thinking all these bad thoughts, abbie!"
but then..
i dunno what i think most of the time.
mostly my mind's just blank.
i think if this emotional problem doesn't improve,
i REALLY WILL KILL SOMEONE.
notice that i've been hating people a lot.
maybe if i'm really not normal,
the emoions thing doesn't improve,
i'll go to the extend of hating someone until i kill him/her.
is that scary?
yeah i think so.
then i get scared of thinking why the hell i'm thinking these kind of things.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT NORMAL.
come on, everyone around me are happy.
am i the only miserable one around?

is this depression?
no, i know depression is much worse.
i haven't considered commiting suicide.

okay lah.
it's just me and my mood swings.

i know you always see abbie smiling.
but that's just a facade behind my real self.
i'm just this angry monster inside.

i want to be a kid again.
being a kid was easy.
play all the time.
instead of war all the time.
war against myself.
when i'm angry,
occassioanlly, i'd feel stuff being thrown around in my head.
as if my emotions aren't sure of what to do with each other.
they fight.

sometimes i'm angry.
most of the time.
but when i'm happy, i'm VERY happy.
it just doesn't seem right.
how can anyone be furious one minute and be cheerful the next?!
is there something wrong with my hormones?
i need more happy cells!

i always feel rebellious.
nobody can tell me what to do.
even my friends.
i guess i just don't like the feeling of people instructing me.
something like that.
then i won't do it.

then there's something else that's wrong with me.
at this age.
girls usually are obsessed over guys.
but i'm not.
HUH?!
it's not like i like girls lah.
but this is just not normal!
ahh i'm not gonna post what i feel about my sexuality online

and i hate.
to see people blog about how their day has passed.
a report of what they had done that day.
nobody wants to read that!

i'm just thinking.
since singapore is so little.
maybe i'd get the chance to bump into Xie Shaoguang on the streets.
and i'd ask him to sign on my shirt.
okay lah.
i'm only obsessed about this guy

the Hungry Ghost Festival ends this Saturday.
but i haven't met my Grandpa yet.
please don't freak out over what i've said.
i just want to meet him.
dead or alive.
i'm sure he was a great man.
cos he made 14 kids.
ahurhurhurhur!!